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When someone is visibly grieving, the people around them quickly conclude, usually without adequate evidence. She isn't crying, so she must be coping. He went back to work, so he must be over it. They seem angry, not sad — that can't be grief.

These are presumptions. In Part 3 of this three-part series, Nathalie examines how presumptions about grief operate in real time, in specific moments, and why they cause a different kind of harm from grief myths and preconceptions.

What's covered in this episode

• The precise definition of a presumption and how it differs from a myth (cultural) and a preconception (personal, pre-existing)
• Why presumptions feel like observations but function as judgements
• How presumptions cause harm, both to the person being presumed about, and to the person making them
• The most common grief presumptions, examined through: what is being assumed, where it comes from, how it lands, and what a more accurate response looks like
• What supporters can do differently and why the impulse to interpret is so strong

The core distinction across all three episodes

Myths, preconceptions, and presumptions are related, but they operate at different levels and in different moments.

Grief myths exist in the culture: in the language, the rituals, the policies, the media. They are transmitted without any single person deciding to transmit them. Myths are covered in Part 1.

Preconceptions are the individual's internalised version of those myths: what a person has absorbed over a lifetime, and carries into grief before it happens. They shape what someone expects from their own grief. Preconceptions are covered in Part 2.

Presumptions are what happen in a specific moment: a conclusion drawn about someone else's grief, or one's own, without adequate evidence. Unlike myths and preconceptions, presumptions are active and situational. They happen in the room, in the conversation, at the graveside. Presumptions are what this episode covers.

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What happens when an entire nation is traumatised? How does collective grief differ from personal loss, and what does healing actually look like at that scale?

In this episode, I speak with Dr Imke Hansen, trauma therapist, scholar of Eastern European History, and Deputy Director of the human rights organisation Libereco – Partnership for Human Rights. Nathalie and Imke first met in Zürich at a conference on collective grief and trauma with Dr Peter Levine and Thomas Hübl, and this conversation picks up where that encounter left off.

Imke has worked with survivors of war and persecution for over two decades. Since 2014, she has led Libereco's psychosocial support work in Ukraine, supporting people living through one of the most devastating conflicts of our time. She is also a certified Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, a body-based approach to trauma healing developed by Dr Peter Levine.

In this episode, we cover

• What collective grief looks like on the ground in Ukraine — and what most people in the West don't see
• The difference between individual grief and collective trauma, and why that distinction matters for healing
• What "resilience" really means — and when the word gets in the way
• What it means to witness collective suffering in a way that helps rather than harms

About today's guest

Dr. Imke Hansen holds a doctorate in Eastern European History and is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner specialising in trauma-informed mental health and psychosocial support for civil society activists and survivors of captivity and torture. She serves as Deputy Director of Libereco – Partnership for Human Rights, an independent German-Swiss NGO working in Belarus and Ukraine since 2009. She is the author of the comic book I CAN, available in English, Ukrainian, and Russian.

Resources mentioned

• Libereco – Partnership for Human Rights: libereco.org
• Comic book I CAN by Dr Imke Hansen — free download in English, Ukrainian, and Russian via Libereco's website
• Somatic Experiencing International: somaticexperiencing.com

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  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/grief-trauma-support/
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Before a loss happens, most people already hold a set of beliefs about what grief will look like. These are not myths absorbed from the culture in general — they are something more personal: internalised convictions, absorbed through upbringing, family, religion, and lived experience, that then shape how a person enters and moves through grief.

These are preconceptions. In Part 2 of this three-part series, Nathalie examines the ten most common preconceptions about grief and makes a precise distinction between preconceptions, grief myths, and presumptions that is crucial for understanding why each causes harm differently.

What's covered in this episode

• The definition of a preconception and how it differs from a grief myth and a presumption
• Why preconceptions are harder to challenge than myths, because they feel personal, not cultural
• How preconceptions relate to grief myths: myths are the cultural source; preconceptions are the individual's internalised version
• The 10 most common preconceptions, each examined through: where it originates and what it aims to achieve, how it harms, a relatable example, and a reframe

The 10 preconceptions covered

1. Grief follows predictable stages
2. Grief has a timeline
3. Not crying means not grieving
4. You must achieve "closure"
5. Grief is only about death
6. Staying strong protects others
7. Time heals all wounds
8. Grief is a private matter
9. Returning to normal functioning means you are healed
10. Trauma and grief are separate experiences

The distinction explained in this episode

A grief myth is a culturally shared false belief, something the culture transmits without adequate evidence. A preconception is personal: it is the individual's internalised version of that myth, often absorbed before they have any direct experience of loss.

Myths can be corrected with information. Preconceptions require something more: recognising that the belief exists, tracing where it came from, and examining whether it still holds in the face of actual experience.

A presumption (covered in Part 3) is different again: it is a real-time assumption made about someone else's grief, in the moment. Preconceptions are formed before. Presum

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• 💜 For Grievers – Resources
  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/grief-trauma-support/
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  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/free-resources-hub/

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HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is completely self-funded, produced, and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.
Consider making a small donation to support the Podcast: bit.ly/SupportGTPodcast. Thank you!

For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website, join the podcast’s Instagram page, and subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

What does it look like to live well with grief, not despite it, but through it? Lizzie Pickering has spent over 25 years finding out.

Since the death of her eldest son, Harry, Lizzie has become one of the UK's most experienced and sought-after voices on grief in life and in the workplace. She draws on more than two decades of direct experience: as a carer to Harry, as a long-term team member at Helen & Douglas House (the Oxford children's hospice where Harry died), and through her sustained work with bereaved parents, siblings, and professionals navigating loss.

If you're like me, you will love listening to Lizzie's voice, giving us an insight into her journey over the past 25 years.

​​Lizzie is a Grief Educator, Author and Film Producer
She offers Grief Guidance to organisations and individuals, educating people about grief and helping them get back to life and work following major losses. Her clients are both UK-based and global. Since the death of her eldest son, Harry, 25 years ago, Lizzie has become passionate about changing the landscape for people who have to face life and work when they are living with grief. Her firm belief is that if grief is faced and worked through gradually, if people are well supported, there is a rich seam of energy to be found from not only surviving it but living well. Lizzie’s book, When Grief Equals Love, Long-term Perspectives on Living with Loss, was published in May 2023 and is available from bookshops, Amazon and Audible.

• lizziepickering.com
• www.instagram.com/lizzie.pickering/

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Grief myths are everywhere. They show up in condolence cards, in workplace bereavement policies, in the advice given by well-meaning friends and family and, often, inside the grieving person themselves. They feel like common sense. They are not.

In this episode, the first in a three-part series on the beliefs that distort the experience of grief, Nathalie unpacks eight of the most common grief myths: where they come from, why they persist, how they cause harm, and what a more accurate picture of grief actually looks like.

What's covered in this episode

• What a grief myth is and how it differs from a preconception (covered in Part 2) and a presumption (covered in Part 3)
• Why myths persist even when they cause harm, the cultural logic behind each one
• The 8 most common grief myths, each examined through the same structure: where it comes from, how it harms, a relatable example, and a reframe

The 8 Grief Myths

• Myth 1: Grief has five stages, and you need to go through all of them
• Myth 2: Grief is primarily an emotion; it is what you feel
• Myth 3: Grief gets steadily better over time; it is a linear recovery
• Myth 4: If you are not showing visible distress, you are coping well
• Myth 5: Children are resilient, they don't really grieve, or they get over it quickly
• Myth 6: Moving on means letting go of the person you lost
• Myth 7: Grief is something you get over
• Myth 8: Seeking help for grief is a sign that you cannot cope

Referenced in this episode

The myths examined in this episode are part of a broader pattern in which popular culture transmits beliefs about grief, often without anyone intending harm. Nathalie first traced this in her two-part article series using Downton Abbey as a lens for the messages TV and film consistently send about how grief should look:

Downton Abbey Grief Theory — Part 1

Downton Abbey Grief Theory — Part 2

(Note: both articles are hosted on grievingparents.net, Nathalie's Grieving Parents Support Network site.)

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• 💜 For Grievers – Resources
  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/grief-trauma-support/
• 💜 For Supporters – Supporting someone https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/supporters-resources/
• 💜 Books – Explore books on grief and healing https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/books/
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  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/free-resources-hub/

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HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF AND TRAUMA is completely self-funded, produced, and edited by me, Nathalie Himmelrich.
Consider making a small donation to support the Podcast: bit.ly/SupportGTPodcast. Thank you!

For more information, please visit Nathalie’s website, join the podcast’s Instagram page, and subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes here.

Season 18 begins here.

Nathalie opens the new season by sharing a personal experience — a conversation with a medium that left her with unexpected clarity — and announces that the medium will join her for a recorded episode later this season.

This season brings a mix of solo and guest episodes exploring the preconceptions we carry into grief, the relationship between personal belief and how we process loss and trauma, and stories from guests across Australia, Europe, the UK, and the USA - people who have grieved, people who support others through it, and often both.

Leave a Review

If this podcast has supported you, a 5-star review takes less than a minute and helps others who are grieving find this community when they need it most.

Send Nathalie a message — tap the 'Send Us a Text' link at the top of the shownotes to share your feedback, your experience, or a question you'd like explored.

With that in mind, have a gentle day.

Let your nervous system guide you.

With Love, Nathalie

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• 💜 For Grievers – Resources
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• 💜 For Supporters – Supporting someone https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/supporters-resources/
• 💜 Books – Explore books on grief and healing https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/books/
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Trauma isn’t only a story in the mind—it’s also physiology, sensation, and nervous system patterning. In this final episode of the Many Faces of Trauma series, we explore how trauma can show up in the body through hyperarousal (fight/flight), hypoarousal (shutdown), stress-related symptoms over time, dissociation, and chronic tension patterns. Using a simple polyvagal-informed lens, we explain how nervous system state can shape sensations and symptoms—and why “I know I’m safe” can coexist with a body that still reacts. We share realistic body-based supports, focusing on small, repeated regulation, completing stress energy, co-regulation, and tracking 5% shifts. The episode ends with a short grounding practice and a supportive closing message to integrate the whole mini-series.

In this episode, you’ll learn

• Why trauma affects the body, not just thoughts
• Common body patterns: hyperarousal, shutdown, stress symptoms, dissociation, tension holding
• A polyvagal-informed view: state drives sensation
• What helps without overwhelm: repetition, body-language listening, movement, co-regulation, 5% shifts
• A grounding practice that combines breath, stretch, and orientation
• A closing integration for the whole series

Grounding practice (2–3 minutes): “Breath + Stretch + Name”

• Longer exhale than inhale (4 rounds)
• Gentle stretch + shoulder roll
• Name 3 body facts (feet/hands/breath)
• Phrase: “My body has reasons. I can listen without panic.”

Check the website for the free resources offered for both those affected by trauma and those supporting them.

I will be back with more guest interviews starting again with Season 18. Stay tuned!

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• 💜 For Grievers – Resources
  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/grief-trauma-support/
• 💜 For Supporters – Supporting someone https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/supporters-resources/
• 💜 Books – Explore books on grief and healing https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/books/
• 💜 Support – Offers - free and paid
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Dissociation is often misunderstood, but for many people it’s a protective nervous-system strategy—a way the mind and body reduce overwhelm when something feels too much to stay present for. In this intro-level episode, we explore dissociation as a spectrum: from spacing out and going blank to numbness, unreality, time loss, and feeling detached from the body or emotions. Using simple polyvagal-informed language, we connect dissociation to shutdown protection, discuss common triggers (conflict, overwhelm, feeling trapped, sensory load), and outline what helps—especially gentle, body-first ways to return without shame. We close with a grounding practice using texture and temperature cues to support a soft “coming back.”

In this episode, you’ll learn

• A clear definition of dissociation and how it differs from ordinary distraction
• Why dissociation is a protection strategy (not a character flaw)
• A polyvagal lens on dissociation as shutdown/freeze protection
• Common triggers: conflict, overwhelm, feeling trapped, sensory load, exhaustion
• How dissociation can impact memory, relationships, and self-trust over time
• What helps: gentle return, reduced stimulation, body-first orientation, naming without shame, building safety
• A grounding practice designed specifically for dissociation

Grounding practice (2–3 minutes): “Texture + Temperature Return”

• Touch a textured object (fabric, chair, sleeve)
• Name 3 qualities (smooth/rough/cool/warm)
• Notice one temperature cue
• Press feet into the floor (twice)
• Phrase: “I’m here now. I’m coming back gently.”

Check the website for the free resources offered for both those affected by trauma and those supporting them.

What’s next: How Trauma Can Affect the Body

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• 💜 For Grievers – Resources
  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/grief-trauma-support/
• 💜 For Supporters – Supporting someone https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/supporters-resources/
• 💜 Books – Explore books on grief and healing https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/books/
• 💜 Support – Offers - free and paid
  https://nathaliehimmelrich.com/free-resources-hub/