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Getting to Zero

How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships

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Getting to Zero

By: Jayson Gaddis
Narrated by: Jayson Gaddis
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The counselor, teacher, and founder of The Relationship School reveals the origins of conflict styles, and how to stop avoiding and resolve conflict in relationships with loved ones.

Conflicts in our closest relationships are scary because so much is at stake. If the conflict doesn't go well, we could lose our marriage, our family or our job, all connected to our security and survival. So we do just about anything not to lose those relationships, including avoid conflict, betraying ourselves or becoming dishonest. Unresolved conflict affects every single aspect of our lives, from self-confidence to physical and mental health.

Jayson Gaddis is a personal trainer for relationships and one of the world’s leading authorities on interpersonal conflict. For almost two decades, Gaddis has helped individuals, couples, and teams get to the bottom of their deepest conflicts. He helps people see the wisdom in conflict and how to get to zero—how “clean and clear” we feel with others when we have successfully worked through a disagreement. We get to a place where there is “zero” conflict.

In Getting to Zero, Gaddis shows the reader how to stop running away from uncomfortable conversations and instead learn how to work through them. Through funny personal stories, uncomfortable examples, and effective tools and skills, he shows the reader how to move from disconnection to connection, acceptance, and understanding. This method upgrades the old tired and static conflict resolution approaches and offers a fresh, street-level, user-friendly road map on exactly how to work through conflict with the people you care most about. Anger Management Communication & Social Skills Conflict Resolution Personal Development Relationships Funny
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Critic reviews

“In this compelling guide to approaching conflict in our most intimate relationships, Jayson Gaddis offers a science-informed, practical toolbox for resolving the inevitable tensions that arise in our personal and professional lives. Filled with useful concepts and readily applicable steps to sensing and solving interpersonal challenges, repairing ruptures when they occur, this book is not about trying to achieve a life without difficulties in our relationships, but is about moving toward a receptive state of calm and clarity—a state our author names as “zero”—in which we can engage our inner life and our connections with others with kindness and presence that research suggests are at the core of mutually rewarding, generative ways of living with compassion, connection, and well-being.”—Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Executive Director, Mindsight Institute, New York Times bestselling author IntraConnected; Mind; Mindsight, and Aware
“Jayson Gaddis has written, in our view, one of the most clear and helpful books on this endemic feature of our humanity: conflict. If you want to know what conflict is and how to resolve it, Getting to Zero will give you to that destination. We recommend this book to everyone who has ever felt that twitch which plunges us into darkness. While it is replete with accessible theory about what is happening in your mind and brain, it is even more generous with practical guidance from that will lead you from conflict to connection.”—Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

"Jayson Gaddis’ excellent new book, Getting to Zero, is a fabulous couple guide to conflict solutions interspersed with inspirational self-disclosures of Jayson's own life and relationship experiences. He provides valuable conceptual framing and techniques for managing conflict. His detailed insights will be of great value to readers interested in effective loving relationships."

—Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) and author of We Do and Wired for Love
"Jayson Gaddis has dedicated his life to understanding the dizzyingly complex, emotionally-charged territory of relationships. The knowledge he has accumulated is a gold mine for anyone looking to create deep, fulfilling connections with others. This book is a lifeline for anyone who has wondered how to thrive in relationships."—Cory Muscara, Host of Mindfulness.com and Author of Stop Missing Your Life
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Most relevant
If you are committed to your own patterns, and you don't want to do what's best for you, for your partner, and for the relationship, don't buy this book. Buy it and embody it because you have realised that you recreate strategic patterns that hurt yourself, your partner and the relationship. This book is for the totally hopeless, anxious and avoidant triggered folks who just do not know HOW to communicate with each other during and after conflict. This book makes it less painful to handle someone who stonewalls you, or is needy and clingy and you want to run away. Jayson's matter of fact attitude has you calling out your own hopeless strategies in an attempt to keep yourself safe from feeling failure and shame. There is no 'your stuff' and 'my stuff' - if your partner is triggered, that automatically becomes 'our stuff'. You're not two separate boats sailing alone in the ocean; you're a partnership. The least we can do for each other is to learn how to be that anchor for each other, how to provide love and reassurance to our partner, even in and especially in times of conflict. Now I've read this book, it seems sociopathic and mad to remember how I used to handle conflict (go quiet, shut down, blame them, silent treatment, threat to leave, request they change who they are for me, etc). It also highlights that I have been with people who aren't interested in getting to zero with me, and now I've learnt, that this is a non-negotiable for me. If you do not want to learn how to regulate with your partner, love them, see them and understand them, so you can both be better humans, don't buy this book.

Life changing for those serious about reconnection

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Section Two provides realistic and well-researched practices for navigating interpersonal conflicts. Excellent overall.
I am a fan of the author's podcast and had learned so much from his guests, now this book is a real commitment to better communication in all our relationships. if you find frameworks and practical psychological approaches (such as CBT, ACT, 12 step programmes etc) to work well then the author's actionable insights will resonate. While there's clearly a lot of theory, analysis and research behind each chapter it is highly action orientated, not theoretical. There is homework to do :) I think it would be even more powerful to work through the book in a couple or group.
Great narration too, enjoyable to listen to.

Well presented, insightful and practical.

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not an easy read, it felt more like a workbook than anything else. Overall, it has helpful ideas.

knowledgeable, documented,real examples

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Getting to Zero was an easy read. I love the concepts and relational tools in the book and how Jayson explains it in a way that’s easily comprehensible even for those who are new to relational self-growth & development. All the tools and concepts are articulated in clear language and seem simple to put into practice. I was looking forward to learning and using it in my everyday life so I bought it on kindle too.

On paper, all these concepts seem practical and doable. However, after 2 years of trying to practice them in my closest relationships, with people who have read the book too, I realised it’s not achievable.

Another factor that makes me believe these concepts are not practical is after studying for 10 months at the relationship school founded by the author, Jayson seemed to really struggle to do conflict with students and his staffs at the school too including the mentors who supposedly are teaching people to do conflict. I did have a 1-1 zoom call with him and from my perspective, he couldn’t even demonstrate a basic grasp of LUFU (listen until they feel understood).

Waste of time

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